REWARDING AND BEING REWARDED
Mutual rewarding is highly reinforcing for relationships. When a relationship ceases to be rewarding, people tend to drift apart. Sometimes conflicts can generate reluctance to give and communicate one’s needs.
Examine your reluctance to reward. Be mindful of beliefs such as: “Why should I reward someone – they don’t reward me,” “I don’t know what this person likes, so it’s not worth rewarding,” “Why should I say what I like – they should figure it out,” “Why should I listen if they don’t listen to me?”
Catch someone in the act of kindness.
Precisely describe the behavior so that the close person can learn what is important to you (“You were kind” is not enough). For example, “I appreciate that you cooked lunch for me.”
Ask a close person what to do to make them feel rewarded. Don’t assume you already know what the other person needs. For instance, “When you say I should be nicer, what do you mean? What can I say/do for you?”
When someone communicates their needs, try not to react by saying, “I already do that!”
Try to gather information about the other person’s needs.
Do you remember something important/pleasant someone did for you in the last week?
DO NOT UNDERMINE YOUR SUCCESSES.
Be mindful of black-and-white thinking in statements and making a general rule out of one behavior (“You helped tonight, but you almost never do”). Do you get upset or withdraw when things don’t go your way? This is unlikely to help improve the relationship.
ENGAGEMENT VS. FIGHTING FOR “RIGHTNESS”
When people argue, they often focus on fighting to be right – wanting their arguments to win. Arguing also serves to regulate emotions. Unfortunately, it rarely allows for a common solution. In the event of differences of opinion, the following techniques can be used:
1. Take a break to “cool off”. It’s challenging to constructively seek compromise in great anger.
2. Present the difficulty as a problem you can solve together.
3. Stick to one problem.
4. Focus on the present.
5. Accept your responsibility – for your emotions and behaviors.
6. Invite the close person to find solutions together. Ask for ideas.
7. Find common points of agreement, not differences.
8. Try out a solution.
DESTRUCTIVE MISTAKES FOR RELATIONSHIPS THAT EVERYONE SOMETIMES MAKES
Bringing up past mistakes.
Labeling.
Threats.
Fighting to win at all costs.
If you experience significant difficulties in a relationship, it’s worthwhile to seek help from a psychologist. Contact us if you are looking for a cognitive-behavioral psychologist or psychotherapist in Krakow or online. In our offices in Krakow, cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is available. We also work in Third Wave approaches (including schema therapy, dialectical-behavioral therapy DBT, acceptance and commitment therapy ACT).
Reading: Robert L. Leahy “Beat the Blues Before They Beat You”
